I’ve brought up a story I have about the story of Stephen’s stoning many times. Read the passage in a reflection group and someone said, “I don’t see this as a story of love at all.” I responded by pointing out that he saw his beloved Jesus as he died. The part of the story I don’t usually say is that she wasn’t convinced by my argument.
In order to explain my point of view deeper, I want to talk about the difference between a fixer and a companion. A priest I knew often said, “Why do we find it so hard to believe that God loves us?” One reason is that many people don’t want a loving companion; they want someone to fix things. And there are many people ready and willing to get in there and try to fix people. In the long run though, trying to fix things doesn’t work.
An obvious example is when someone is dying, say of a terminal illness. A hospice chaplain knows they’re not going to prevent the death. If they’re a fixer they might be tempted to spin some story about the afterlife. I say mythical because Jesus was a lot vaguer about what eternal life is than many people think. If they follow their training, they will simply be a comforting presence, a companion.
Alanon is a 12 step group for friends and families of an alcoholic. A lot of fixers end up in Alanon, where they are often called enablers – enablers don’t just aid in an alcoholic’s drinking, enablers often work to prevent or mitigate the consequences the Alcaholic would otherwise face. “The only way out is through” is a phase in 12 step, acknowledging that whatever pain is behind your drinking, you’ll never get sober if you avoid it. In Alanon enablers learn they have no control over someone else’s drinking. The only thing they can control is their own actions. Fixing just doesn’t work in that situation.
Many folks want God to be a fixer. They pray for God to come down and grant some miracle that will make their problems go away – or someone else’s problems that they’ve taken on. They are looking for relief and comfort. The problem is that growth – especially spiritual growth – happens through conflict or challenges. Who feels the need to grow when they’re in their comfort zone?
God of course knows this. I don’t believe God brings misfortune on us to test us. But neither does God spare us. God didn’t spare Stephen – nor did God spare Her Son. And I’ve been realizing that is where the most damaging theologies of the cross come from. Theologies of a cruel God who will torture us for eternity for any time we fail - failure often born out of our own suffering.
God allowed God’s self to suffer through Jesus in solidary of our suffering. God still bears the wounds in Christ. And the risen, still wounded, Jesus promised to always be with us. Jesus promised to be our companion, and asked us to love in the same way. I don’t believe fixing is primarily about love. It’s primarily about easing pressure. To sit with and hold the hand of someone who is suffering is uncomfortable – there is pressure involved – it may even bring up suffering in yourself. And that is love that Jesus modeled for us.
Jesus also promised us the Spirit. The passage we read in John has been used to increase the suffering of others to an unimaginable degree. Because people are told that if you don’t get what you prayed for it must be YOUR fault. This is why Luke’s version of this promise is a much better one.
What father among you would hand his son a snake when he asks for a fish? Or hand him a scorpion when he asks for an egg? If you then, who are wicked, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will the Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask? And the Holy Spirit is our companion in our suffering and can and does give us the strength to be a companion – to find the words to say or to help us not say anything when silence is needed.
This is the promise of the companion God; The God who wants you to be your best self; The God who suffered in solidarity with us. God has heard the suffering of Her people. God became one of us not to increase our suffering but to be with us in it.
